Stolen Article from High Plains Reader

Facebook: Back to the Future

On Tuesday a team of researchers from MIT announced that the popular networking website Facebook is not only a great way to connect with friends and family but is also a magic time portal that transports millions of people back to junior high for several hours each day.

“The similarities between Facebook and junior high are astounding,” project coordinator Dr. Irene Bethea said. “We’ve identified hundreds of cases in which seemingly mature adults have logged in to this time portal and within microseconds have been sent back to the petty, self-obsessed and self-conscious years of early puberty.”

Though Bethea and her team are confident that the Facebook “portal” exists, they are still working through an enormous number of calculations in the search for the physics behind it. In the meantime they are studying the junior high-like behaviors of the Facebook time travelers. Recently they interviewed a professional man in his late 30s and asked him about his backward jump in time.

“So, I had gone on couple dates with this woman, and we had a good time, but then she changed her relationship status to ‘it’s complicated,’ and like, I like, totally stopped seeing her,” he said.

Others reported how they love the way Facebook takes them back to a time when they could be in close proximity to people they find attractive but were not required to take any embarrassing risks to create that connection.

“In junior high I was a statistician for the wrestling team and took shop class just to be around certain guys,” one woman said. “Now I just write clever comments on their wall that can be taken as just friendly or flirting. I open the door a crack but save my pride by not saying ‘come on in’ and chancing rejection.”One man has even found that his current trips back to immaturity allow him to stay on the right side of the law, which wasn’t always so easy for him to do.
“Back then I would have to go from window to window in order to catch one of my female classmates in her underwear,” he said. “But now I can just become her ‘friend’ and she’s sure to have at least one sexy shot in her photos. The day after Halloween is like Christmas to me: Good mornin’ little schoolgirl!”

Some Facebook supporters have accused Dr. Bethea of being a jealous “hater” who is merely disappointed with the lack of interest people showed in her now-defunct Facebook profile, which lacked networking site staples such as frivolous personal information and opinions, lame get-to-know-me quizzes, clever pop-culture references and most important of all — self-shot pictures featuring the “blue steel” Derrick Zoolander pose and excessive cleavage.“Her profile was boring,” said one former online friend. “It always had stuff about science and history and books. Facebook is the only book I read.” While not conclusive, Cal Tech has been working on similar research, studying the physics behind Twitter in an attempt to prove that that website is a magic time portal that transports its users back to early childhood. Heading the study is James Dixon, who summed up his teams’ hypothesis when he told a reporter that “Twitter statements bear an uncanny resemblance to those of toddlerhood, an age when proclamations like ‘Mommy, I made a stinky!’ are undeniably adorable and worth sharing with others.”

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